Writer-performer Julie Klausner has proven her comedic chops on pop culture series such as Best Week Ever and The Big Gay Sketch Show. Now she's exposing her funny bone-and a few of her ex-boyfriends'-in her hilariously provocative new memoir I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux Sensitive Rockers and Other Guys I've Dated (phew!). This witty literary romp is breezy, sleezy and, like a full-figured Isabel Sanford panting heavily aside the diminutive Sherman Hemsley, will leave you feeling Weezie. No, she doesn't mention The Jeffersons, but she does dish on her life-changing dalliances with Night Court, Miss Piggy, Drop Dead Fred, Mr. Belvedere and more '80s and '90s pop culture fare than you can shake a ThighMaster at.

I Don't Care About Your Band is a hoot. And I'm not just saying that because you collect, as per JulieKlausner.com, "owl-based" paraphernalia. What inspired you to divulge and dissect (hilariously!) your sexploits as a man-hungry bird of prey?
Well, for a bunch of reasons, but mostly because I wanted to make enough money to buy the Hooters sign from the Mall of America. You'd know I was serious if you could see the Hooters sign-shaped void in my life! Specifically, over my couch where it would look so beautiful. I also want the chandeliers from Chi-Chi's, by the way.

With the perfect-10 precision of a Bo Derek cornrow, you deftly braid your hairy, um, coming-of-age tales with twisted humor and pop culture-induced epiphany. With that said, what did Night Court teach you about becoming a woman at age 12?
I remember watching an episode of Night Court-which was, by the way, a pretty heady mix of "genial primetime humor starring a magician" and "jokes about prostitutes about hobos"—in which Dan Fielding, played by John Laroquette, saves Markie Post's Christine Fielding from choking, and in return, she has to have sex with him. I remember the whole proposition as being compellingly erotic. And also by the idea of Bull and Roz finally consummating their sexual tension. But that, Ricki, is a whole other show.

Night Court's producers cast old lady bailiffs Selma Diamond and Florence Halop specifically to keep viewers dry. Wait-was this a Marsha Warfield episode?
Of course it was a Roz episode! Or a "Rozzie"! That woman was all dark chocolate and tips.

Who made you want to bang a judge's gavel-Harry Anderson or Joseph A. Wapner?
Anderson, pre-Harry's World. I know, I'm the only girl in the world who didn't have a huge, unsatiable crush on Dave Barry. His columns were so chockful of dry observational humor!

On a serious note, how did Miss Piggy change your life and your views on pork?
I can think of few characters more glamorous and important than Miss-never Ms.-Piggy. Growing up in her porcine shadow was a blessing. As a little girl, I learned from Piggy how much better rings look when they're worn over satin gloves, how there is no better use of your time than reclining on a chaise lounge with a trashy magazine and a heart shaped box of bon bons, and when it's important to lower your voice to "Don't Fuck with Me, Fellas" decibel and karate-chop the shit out of somebody. So, in my book, I talk about how she and Kermit were kind of the archetypical relationship for me to emulate later in life. How Kermit was always content to strum his banjo on a rock while Piggy threw herself at his webbed feet. Are those feet? Are they considered feet? When they belong to frogs? Anyway, just as I grew up idolizing Piggy, I wonder how many guys in my generation looked to Kermit as the coolest guy in the room. And how their loyalties to their friends or their shows over their girlfriends came from his worldview. Meanwhile, maybe Piggy would have done better with Charles Grodin. But then again, who among us would NOT improve our lives in Charles Grodin's company?

Given your disappointment in not becoming Annie, do you feel robbed that Chuck Woolery's Love Connection was cancelled before you reached legal age to do a Daddy Warbucks then relive the humiliation on air before people with hand-held voting modules?
I feel VERY robbed. Thankfully, I seeked consolation in the form of voraciously watching the important Fox program Studz.

You've brought your edgy wit and pop-culture arsenal to the boob tube as a writer /performer for Best Week Ever and as a scribe for The Big Gay Sketch Show and Robert Smigel's "TV Funhouse." How does mocking pop culture-from Depression-era musical hobos to reality TV himbos-make us better people?
I don't even think it makes us better people—I think it makes us PEOPLE. Making fun of the people on the TV Box is the ONLY thing that separates us from the beasts!

Which decade is funniest to you?
Oh, God. That's such a good question. It changes with the tides, honestly. And with the Prince of Tides, obviously. Right now, I'm very excited about the mid-'70s, because I recently read Mackenzie Phillips's incest-acular memoir, High On Arrival, and it brought so many beautiful, important details about Pat Harrington into sharp relief. I can't recommend Mackenzie's book enough, by the way. I know I'm supposed to be promoting my own, but-priorities, people! Also, apparently when Mack came back to the set of One Day at a Time after detoxing the first time, Bonnie Franklin was emotionally distant from her and that made her feel bad. For shame, Bonnie Franklin!

Rachel Dratch is a friend of yours. How did Saturday Night Live's raucous humor influence you growing up? Were you too young to have a Mary Tyler Mooregasm?
I don't think anybody is ever too young to have one of those, though I preferred Rhoda from a hippy and ethnic point of view. I love Saturday Night Live, I can't imagine any circumstance in which I would ever stop watching it, even if Jean Doumanian was to return from the grave and resume her production duties as an apparition. What's that? She's not dead? Never mind. I'm still going to talk about cutie pie Mary Gross and gorgeous Tim Kazurinsky. They were MVP's of that cast! And don't get me started on Charles Rocket!

How has your improv work with New York's Upright Citizens Brigade Theater helped you find your voice as a writer and TV performer?
I don't know what I would have done without the UCB Theater. I met so many fabulous, talented people through the UCB community, and taking classes there enabled me to get the confidence to put up shows of my own on their stage. I can't underestimate the importance of those resources when I was just getting started, figuring out what I wanted to do in comedy.

When is season 2 of Wasp Cove?!
As soon as Candy Spelling signs on to E.P.! I want so badly to put these back up with the brilliant Rachel Shukert, but it's a question of budget and time and all that other unglamourous stuff that gets in the way of glamour. I will say that I am prouder of few things than our collaboration on the saga of Donna and Daryl Van Hampton. For those of you who aren't the twenty five people who got to see the live show version of Wasp Cove, it was a serial soap opera live on stage in New York, and we produced three episodes. It was very Dynasty by way of The Turning Point with some some of the Lifetime movie Kate's Secret thrown into the mix.

You're also an accomplished e-comedian. Tell us about your current blog adventures, your work creating the viral Internet shorts "Cat News" and "Welcome to Our House" (spoofing Young and the Restless soap diva Brenda Dickson's infamous '80s video "Welcome to My Home") and your efforts editing the understated That's Important!
Thank you! And please-e-medianne. I love blogging! It's so fun and you get instant feedback. Plus, sometimes you can just post a picture of Delta Burke whenever you don't feel like writing something. And who would complain?

Do you recommend viral shorts on the first date?
It depends. Are we talking about "Scarlet Takes a Tumble"? Or "Cat Is Bad At Drinking Water?" The former I'd recommend only for somebody you're sure about. The latter is more of a "We've been living together for a year and we've already begun leaving the door open when we use the toilet" sort of selection.

What next for you? Will your next book tell all about your illicit affair with that one guy from Mr. Belvedere-or are some things better left to our imaginations?
What Bob Uecker and I had was special and private. I will never tell! My Ueck's are sealed. As for what's next, I think I might get nail extensions. Apparently there's more surface area for nail art when they're long? Whatever, I trust Janice. She's my manicurist! I have no idea where she's from--she speaks in a constant stream of never-ending gibberish.