Chris Mann's Take on Bob Barker's Book "Priceless Memories"

Chris Mann’s Take on Bob Barker’s Book “Priceless Memories”

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Celebreality IV: The Revenge. This time, it's personal.

As all enlightened students of the '80s know, the third installment in any money-hungry, bloodthirsty, ‘70s-spawned cinematic franchise is, or damn well should be, in 3-D.

Friday the 13th. Jaws. Amityville.

All had a Part III. All from 1983. And--in a misguided effort to thickly veil their complete and utter lack of story, sympathetic characters and/or Roy Scheider--all in 3-D.

(Thank God The Facts of Life and its in Paris and Down Under movie spin-offs were on the small screen. Flash to a bone-chilling image of a crazy-eyed, circa-'83 Charlotte Rae penetrating the boob tube and thrusting one of “Edna's Edibles” in your face. No, Mrs. Garrett, Blair, Jo, Natalie and Tootie were scary enough in 2-D.)

Zoom forward 25-plus years. Despite recent hit remakes of Friday and My Bloody Valentine (the latter, of course, in maim-a-riffic 3-D), pop culture's most enduring hatchet jobs aren't Jason, Jaws or any other silver-screen, slice-and-dice predator of young flesh.

No, the au currant prime cuts are found at home in retrocentric prime time, marketed to the same generation that grew up on pre-Elmo-tickled Sesame Street and As-Seen-on-TV kitschin' cutlery. Today's Ginsu knife to the back is brought to you by the letters V and H and the number 1. We’re talking the glossy-image-gutting world of celebreality. Largely from the cable net that last month announced plans for a reality series about celebrity sex addicts.

With recent marquee de Sade fare as Celebrity Rehab 2, Confessions of a Teen Idol (a ma-Chachi-smo-filled threequel to Scott Baio is 46 and Still Telling Girls to 'Sit On It') and Celebracadabra (which featured once-famous stars and something called Ant slitting each other’s throats for a chance to perform magic tricks while their once-adored mystiques disappeared), VH-1's celebreality cash cow is now clearly in its "Part III in 3-D" phase.

No longer does it suffice to humiliate former celebs by merely exposing their Fit Club fat rolls or shoehorning them into the psychotically "surreal" worlds of a knife-wielding Janice Dickenson and fork-tongued Omarosa. Now we must see our childhood idols' dignity butchered—along with the remnants of their acting and singing careers—in extreme, lingering, starkly-lit, drive-in-movie-sized close ups that unforgivably highlight each baggy eye, craggy wrinkle and saggy jowl. Yes, TMZ’s “All Growed Up,” gotcha journalism has changed the face of a hit genre and Adrian Zmed.

But in Celebreality 3-D, puffy eyelids and midriffs aren't the only things experiencing perpetual hangover. In fact, Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House is just a gussied-up way of saying Dr. Drew's Intoxicated All-Stars All Up in Your Kool-Aid. CR's first two outings of Jeff Conaway and other past-era celebs getting fall-down drunk and heaving in withdrawal agony just weren't quite in-your-face enough. Now we get Guns 'N Roses drummer-turned-heroine and rehab addict Steven Adler convulsing mere inches from the camera while the lens-mugging Andy Dick overdoses on his, well, Andy Dickness.

Not that Dr. Drew's productions—and certain other celebreality hits, for that matter—aren't serving a greater good by destigmatizing social taboos and normalizing the frailties and faults that we all share as humans. Indeed, these recovery-centered shows do enlighten and even empower in measured doses. But these series' increasing tendencies to document each and every celebrity nose hair, flopsweat-inducing embarrassment and vein-popping meltdown with near-atom-splitting, microscopic detail has tragic side effects. Oftentimes the end result is the glorification and regurgitation of famously addicted narcissists (see Dr. Drew's new book Mirror Effects), the deep disappointment of relatively levelheaded former idols hoping to rediscover their mojo, and the decimation of their chances for legit career resuscitation.

It’s time for VH-1 and other retro-lovin' networks to prepare for that "final chapter" of their '70s, '80s and '90s-obsessed reality TV franchises—that faux finish that's actually a passageway to a "new beginning" of life-or-death drama. We're talking Celebreality, Part IV. Or, as a shark- and career-killing Michael Caine would call it, The Revenge.

As in This Time, It's Personal. In Celebreality IV, retro icons and former child stars get to sink their porcelain veneers into the media-overloaded industry that has once more engaged them for a last chance at a Hollywood comeback blood-soaked in exploitation. But in this "final chapter," the celebs get to reclaim reality TV's double-edged sword to take a stab not at fellow pop culture survivors (see Confessions of a Teen Idol) but rather at networks and press outlets that, under the influence of the drug TMZ, have turned stars’ private breakdowns and public nose pickings into priceless currency.

So here, for VH1’s, MTV’s, CMT’s, TV Land’s, E!’s and Fox Reality’s consideration—and let’s not forget ABC’s, NBC’s and CBS’s summer lineups—are the next wave in get-even celebreality sensations:

Secret Super Powers of the Recovering Retrobabes: Look out, sober housin’, sin-confessin’ teen idols. The Seventies and Eighties Superwomen are out of rehab and back with a star-spangled, leotarded vengeance. Watch as a Fantastic Four of femme fatales—led by long-sober superhotties Lynda "Wonder Woman” Carter and Jamie Lee “Scream Queen” Curtis—wrap TMZ’s Harvey Levin in head-to-camel toe polyester, further constrain him with the magic lasso of truth, then shove him into the unflattering sunlight while paparazzi snap away and bloggers reload their snark arsenals. Marvel as Carrie Fisher applies a cinnamon bun coif to Scott Baio’s already-swollen noggin while delivering a barrage of sardonic AA one-liners to an ultra serious Dr. Drew—choking both in laughter with the Jabba-strangling chains of her self-effacing, ego-humbling superhumor. Finally, cheer “It’s a Sunshine Day!” as recovering drug addict turned reality superstar Maureen McCormick breaks into song and dance a la The Brady Variety Hour. This time, doing “The Hustle” is personal as Mo trades heroin for heroine while bumping and grinding to humiliating exhaustion a bunch of celebreality execs who say “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” one time too many.

Adamant Eve. As the one Brady kid to avoid the forbidden fruit of reality TV (and other Brady Bunch reunions, for that matter), Eve “Jan” Plumb finally fights back during her star-making ‘70s show’s 40th anniversary this year. Now a painter, the Brady often accused of sticking out like a sore Plumb turns reality on its head with a series of bestselling oil paintings depicting Adrienne Curry and the celebrity cast of Gone Country in sadomasochistic poses. In the series opener, Eve refuses to answer Brady questions at an art showing and then bitchslaps prodding guest star Florence Henderson.

Celebramé. A slew of Seventies and Eighties celebs take up macramé in this reality competition pitting retro stars against habitual reality hangers-on such as Brooke Hogan and Johnny Fairplay. Fair play, my ass. Squeal in delight as Erin “Joanie” Moran and Tom “Luke Duke” Wopat use their newfound crafting skills and hidden MacGyver addiction to transform a series of decorative macramé owls into a knotted, bead-laden booby trap that sweeps the season 2 Rock of Love winner off her taloned feet for good.

Crack of Dawn. Tony Orlando uses one of his “back-up” singers to keester drugs into VH1 offices during filming of I Love the ‘70s Part IV. Chaos ensues during an impromptu performance of “Knock Three Times” when the bad half of Dawn lights up during the line “twice on the pipes…” Amidst the melee, Orlando ties a yellow ribbon laced with contraband on the VH1 programming VP’s lapel, then, in unison with Dawn, cries fowl.

Children of the Corny Hired Help. In this Eighties explosion of forgotten former chlld actors, the once-wisecracking co-stars of sassy-house servant-centered-sitcoms Mr. Belvedere and Gimme a Break! join Who’s the Boss imp Danny Pintauro in employing cooking utensils and cleaning agents to pick off every Internet blogger who’s ever asked “Where are they now?” In their own live-streaming Internet series launched in this VH1 pilot, each goes Tonya Harding on tap dancing guest star Tony Danza, whacking his aged kneecaps with lead-encrusted spatulas and Swiffers, then threatening to do the same to snarky e-fans just dying to tell the online world “how un-do-able those washed-up freaks are.”

Megan Joy gives Simon Cowell the bird ... now somebody needs to give that girl a sitcom!

"Caw! Caw!"

Bird girl Megan Joy Corkery sadly rocked her last robin tonight on American Idol -- but not before she imitated some kind of winged predator sweeping in for the kill.

Simon didn't get it, but that's almost a compliment. Corkery was just too quirky for the room ... but with her beauty, talent and penchant for pterodactylism, she is no doubt headed for bigger and better things.

Somebody get this girl a sitcom! Hey, it worked for Priscilla "flamingo gams" Barnes ... let's give that zexy, zany Megan Joy something to crow about/

"Good Dick": Jason Ritter's new indie film ... co-starring and written, directed and co-produced by Marianna Palka

As many of John Ritter's fans can attest, the versatile actor shocked audiences and critics alike with his sensitive, nuanced performance in the 1996 indie feature Sling Blade. His delicately layered portrayal of a gay shopkeeper drew long-overdue praise in film industry and media circles, which too often had overlooked his artistic talents thanks to his broadly comic role--and identity--as Three's Company's Jack Tripper. His Sling Blade character of Vaughan Cunningham was custom-written for John by his good friend and Hearts Afire co-star Billy Bob Thornton, who masterfully pulled off the daunting feat of writing, directing and starring in this beautiful, Oscar-winning film.

Last year, John's oldest son, actor Jason Ritter, got to show his dramatic range in his own critically-acclaimed indie film, Good Dick, co-starring and written, directed and co-produced by Jason's longtime girlfriend, actress Marianna Palka. This remarkable feature--an unconventional love story about a recluse (Palka) facing her biggest fears when courted by a smitten video clerk (Ritter)--screened last fall at select theaters and film festivals (including Sundance). It's now available on DVD and also screens this week at the Sonoma International Film Festival, held April 1-5 in Sonoma, California (www.sonomafilmfest.org).

John left a great legacy as an actor and a person. He could not be prouder of his children, and Marianna has long been considered part of the Ritter family. He would undoubtedly be thrilled with this film and its story.

For more information, including trailers, photos and other media, check out the film's official web site at www.gooddickthefilm.com.

John Ritter and "Company"'s lasting legacy...as seen on the Internet, as heard on the radio and as felt on one TV bio-documentary after another

March is Three's Company month at Retroality.TV. In addition to our exclusive cover-story interview with Joyce DeWitt, we also salute some of the pop culture enterprises that are keeping and have kept the show's flame lit.

Check out our interview with Jack's Bistro webmaster Pavan Patel, who has dutifully documented the show's impact since its late-'90s resurgence as a pop culture classic. Pavan devotes great care and attention to detail to his mega fan site Jack's Bistro, and he's always conscientious in his efforts to promote the show's heart and soul—as well as that of the late, great John Ritter.

This weekend, we also interview Company-friendly WGN radio host Nick Digilio and his fearless producer Andy Hermann. As anyone who's heard his successful and often retro-inspired radio show will tell you, Nick is a pop culture aficionado who dryly doles out throwback references to everything from Kool-Aid to Sanford and Son. Likewise, Hermann (seen below with Priscilla "Terri" Barnes and his sister, Bridget) has a firm grasp of retro culture. His Three's Company expertise is particularly staggering, as his mind-boggling TC Throwdowns clearly demonstrate. His producer bio page contains links to Nick's Company on-air interviews with Richard "Larry" Kline, Priscilla and—I'm proud to say—me.

Andy is one of a few good Three's Company friends of mine who've launched successful careers in the media and entertainment industries. Two of my friends now work as TV and film execs—so it looks like years of balancing schoolwork and jobs with watching Company reruns paid off. In his Retroality.TV interview, Andy sums up the Three's camaraderie shared by media professionals: "Thanks for the opportunity to contribute to Retroality.TV! It's fun to share anything that might help people out and/or make them smile. And I've gotta say that it's been great watching your career flourish! I remember back in college when I read that you were writing the Three's Company bio, and I tracked you down at the the old university magazine you were writing for then. I feel we're kindred spirits in many ways, and it's been fun talking with you over the years. There's a big market for what we're both doing right now, and it's fantastic to see younger people getting into the media we enjoyed as kids. Lordy lordy lordy!!"




Three's Company's influence is also apparent in the cheeky new Internet sitcom pilot Something About Ryan. Retroality.TV's friend and stand-up comedian-turned-actor Ryan Mooney offers a contemporary take on Company's comedy of misunderstandings and double entendres in this pilot, which can be viewed in its entirety on You Tube. Ryan chronicles "live-at-home slacker" Ryan Nuzzolo's domestic misadventures with his family and Larry-esque best friend. Comedic chaos ensues.

Says Ryan, "I am a huge Three's Company fan. It is my all-time favorite sitcom. I read your book and loved it. I developed Something About Ryan from my stand-up (routine) ... I explore my family and living in Staten Island on stage. Three's Company ... was a huge inspiration and education to me."

The enterprising Mooney adds that his dream is to bring Ryan to television, with Tony Danza and Fran Drescher playing his parents. "I wrote these roles specifically for them," the actor-writer says. "We are currently on You Tube trying to build a fan base. I will also be submitting to all of the television festivals out there." Best of luck, Ryan!



It's great to see new, young talent pay homage to John Ritter and Co.'s iconic influence. And I know John would be touched and flattered. As a self-professed Beatlemaniac and a student of comedy icons Jerry Lewis and Dick Van Dyke, John totally got how a kid could love a silly sitcom enough to write a book about it. He was so appreciative that someone who truly got the show, its farce and its characters -- i.e., not TV critics, media pundits or people who think the show only lasted a year after Suzanne Somers left—could finally put into words why young America in particular loved the show.

His appreciation of my appreciation fueled my fire, and I was thrilled to be the guy who insisted the media finally stop hating (it was so fashionable to bash Three's Company) and give the show its props. And I'm so grateful that he loved the book and continually credited me in TV and radio interviews. I think we both felt it was cool to see the media finally get it. In fact, without John's understanding, encouragement and generosity, I doubt Three's Company would've enjoyed the media resurgence and corresponding marketplace cachet it's developed the last ten or eleven years.

John always supported me in writing Come and Knock on Our Door—even when I was 19 years old and living in rural Oklahoma. His involvement opened doors to his castmates, producers and others. My book hit shelves less than three years after I wrapped my studies in journalism and visual communication at The University of Tulsa and two years before Nick at Night/TV Land finally added Three's Company to its line-up. Again, all thanks to John and the positive energy he radiated in a town rarely heralded for its upbeat vibes.

(I still recall the first conversation I had with John. He said certain entities connected to Three's Company "only care about stuff that has dollar signs in front of it," and he quipped that Hollywood was a town that often "put the cart before the whore." At 19, I wasn't quite sure what he meant, but by age 29—a decade into my Three's Company book-documentary-movie journey—his words truly hit home. I'm proud to say that despite the disillusionment/enlightenment, I've kept my sense of humor intact just as John did.)



Of course, once the book spawned the ubiquitous, two-hour E! True Hollywood Story on the show—it was the first THS or TV documentary, period, to focus exclusively on the "biography" of a TV series—the rest of Hollywood went in for the kill: Entertainment Tonight did an hour special, FOX highlighted 3's Co during its first-ever Truth Behind the Sitcom Scandals special, Extra and Inside Edition did segments on my book and the Joyce-Suzanne "feud," and E! ultimately rehashed my research in THS specials on Suzanne Somers and John Ritter.

Thankfully, John and Joyce promoted my book in appearances on everything from The O'Reilly Factor and Donny & Marie to The CBS Early Show, and for that I'll be forever grateful. (Joyce graciously referenced my book and carried it with her in interviews for O'Reilly, Extra and Inside Edition.) It was also nice to participate as a consultant in A&E's Biography specials on John and Suzanne. By then, I was sort of used to seeing my well-worn, Post-It-covered book in the hands of a producer, who'd ask interviewees questions while scanning huge sections of highlighted text from my book. (Gotta love one-stop shopping!) But I was glad to help, and these producers treated me professionally and compensated and credited me appropriately for the exhaustive work I'd done before and during their documentary's production.

I can't relate how many times these producers would tell me how graciously John Ritter would commend me and the book. (And Donny and Marie seemed a bit stupified that an icon would devote so much of his talk show appearance to extolling a book for which he'd only interviewed and praising the efforts of a new writer. He was so un-Hollywood, and that's one of the reasons why we loved him.) There was no higher compliment, nor will there ever be! John always seemed to be looking out for me, and because of him I was guaranteed professional treatment by those producing the projects in which he participated. (John often held my book up on camera, too, kind of forcing these shows to acknowledge their source material. He was such a class act. Thank you, my pal.)



Now I'm hearing that A&E has commissioned a Biography on Three's Company. John was right—the show never goes away, and in fact ends up like gum on the bottom of your shoe! (Only now it's in vogue to praise the show and exploit its rich story rather than make it the butt of a throwaway joke or an afterthought in a salute to sitcoms, the Seventies, etc.)

The Biography producers tell me they want to take a fresh approach with this special. But, despite being approached by them, I have not been offered a rather customary consulting gig, as I have on virtually every single other documentary on the show and its stars. And that's too bad, because I have lots of behind-the-scenes info and fresh insights that aren't in the show's definitive biography informed by the 60 or so people who lived Three's Company—too many of whom, sadly, are no longer with us to share their stories—or the derivative works that followed. So ... we'll see. Either way, I'm proud to be moving forward with my biography on John Ritter, the force of nature who sparked all of this love and fascination in the first place.

Ending on a spirited note, here's hoping that John, Joyce and their Company co-horts continue to inspire the young and the young at heart to carry Ritter and Co.'s legacy of on-screen lunacy and off-screen love into the homes and hearts of a whole new generation of Jack's Bistromaniacs.