Retroality.TV presents: Bob Barker promoting "Priceless Memories"—and snubbing his famous Barker's Beauties

Bob Barker at the Los Angeles Times Festival of Books at UCLA on Saturday, April 25, 2009. Exclusive Retroality.TV news-commentary by J. Sigman.

Coming soon: Video clips featuring retro hotties (and fellow celeb authors) Tori Spelling, Alyssa Milano and Danica McKellar (Wonder Years' Winnie Cooper) ... and more nuggets from the legendary Bob Barker.

Check out our You Tube channel: www.youtube.com/retroalitytv

Chris Mann's Take on Bob Barker's Book "Priceless Memories"

Chris Mann’s Take on Bob Barker’s Book “Priceless Memories”

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Celebreality IV: The Revenge. This time, it's personal.

As all enlightened students of the '80s know, the third installment in any money-hungry, bloodthirsty, ‘70s-spawned cinematic franchise is, or damn well should be, in 3-D.

Friday the 13th. Jaws. Amityville.

All had a Part III. All from 1983. And--in a misguided effort to thickly veil their complete and utter lack of story, sympathetic characters and/or Roy Scheider--all in 3-D.

(Thank God The Facts of Life and its in Paris and Down Under movie spin-offs were on the small screen. Flash to a bone-chilling image of a crazy-eyed, circa-'83 Charlotte Rae penetrating the boob tube and thrusting one of “Edna's Edibles” in your face. No, Mrs. Garrett, Blair, Jo, Natalie and Tootie were scary enough in 2-D.)

Zoom forward 25-plus years. Despite recent hit remakes of Friday and My Bloody Valentine (the latter, of course, in maim-a-riffic 3-D), pop culture's most enduring hatchet jobs aren't Jason, Jaws or any other silver-screen, slice-and-dice predator of young flesh.

No, the au currant prime cuts are found at home in retrocentric prime time, marketed to the same generation that grew up on pre-Elmo-tickled Sesame Street and As-Seen-on-TV kitschin' cutlery. Today's Ginsu knife to the back is brought to you by the letters V and H and the number 1. We’re talking the glossy-image-gutting world of celebreality. Largely from the cable net that last month announced plans for a reality series about celebrity sex addicts.

With recent marquee de Sade fare as Celebrity Rehab 2, Confessions of a Teen Idol (a ma-Chachi-smo-filled threequel to Scott Baio is 46 and Still Telling Girls to 'Sit On It') and Celebracadabra (which featured once-famous stars and something called Ant slitting each other’s throats for a chance to perform magic tricks while their once-adored mystiques disappeared), VH-1's celebreality cash cow is now clearly in its "Part III in 3-D" phase.

No longer does it suffice to humiliate former celebs by merely exposing their Fit Club fat rolls or shoehorning them into the psychotically "surreal" worlds of a knife-wielding Janice Dickenson and fork-tongued Omarosa. Now we must see our childhood idols' dignity butchered—along with the remnants of their acting and singing careers—in extreme, lingering, starkly-lit, drive-in-movie-sized close ups that unforgivably highlight each baggy eye, craggy wrinkle and saggy jowl. Yes, TMZ’s “All Growed Up,” gotcha journalism has changed the face of a hit genre and Adrian Zmed.

But in Celebreality 3-D, puffy eyelids and midriffs aren't the only things experiencing perpetual hangover. In fact, Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House is just a gussied-up way of saying Dr. Drew's Intoxicated All-Stars All Up in Your Kool-Aid. CR's first two outings of Jeff Conaway and other past-era celebs getting fall-down drunk and heaving in withdrawal agony just weren't quite in-your-face enough. Now we get Guns 'N Roses drummer-turned-heroine and rehab addict Steven Adler convulsing mere inches from the camera while the lens-mugging Andy Dick overdoses on his, well, Andy Dickness.

Not that Dr. Drew's productions—and certain other celebreality hits, for that matter—aren't serving a greater good by destigmatizing social taboos and normalizing the frailties and faults that we all share as humans. Indeed, these recovery-centered shows do enlighten and even empower in measured doses. But these series' increasing tendencies to document each and every celebrity nose hair, flopsweat-inducing embarrassment and vein-popping meltdown with near-atom-splitting, microscopic detail has tragic side effects. Oftentimes the end result is the glorification and regurgitation of famously addicted narcissists (see Dr. Drew's new book Mirror Effects), the deep disappointment of relatively levelheaded former idols hoping to rediscover their mojo, and the decimation of their chances for legit career resuscitation.

It’s time for VH-1 and other retro-lovin' networks to prepare for that "final chapter" of their '70s, '80s and '90s-obsessed reality TV franchises—that faux finish that's actually a passageway to a "new beginning" of life-or-death drama. We're talking Celebreality, Part IV. Or, as a shark- and career-killing Michael Caine would call it, The Revenge.

As in This Time, It's Personal. In Celebreality IV, retro icons and former child stars get to sink their porcelain veneers into the media-overloaded industry that has once more engaged them for a last chance at a Hollywood comeback blood-soaked in exploitation. But in this "final chapter," the celebs get to reclaim reality TV's double-edged sword to take a stab not at fellow pop culture survivors (see Confessions of a Teen Idol) but rather at networks and press outlets that, under the influence of the drug TMZ, have turned stars’ private breakdowns and public nose pickings into priceless currency.

So here, for VH1’s, MTV’s, CMT’s, TV Land’s, E!’s and Fox Reality’s consideration—and let’s not forget ABC’s, NBC’s and CBS’s summer lineups—are the next wave in get-even celebreality sensations:

Secret Super Powers of the Recovering Retrobabes: Look out, sober housin’, sin-confessin’ teen idols. The Seventies and Eighties Superwomen are out of rehab and back with a star-spangled, leotarded vengeance. Watch as a Fantastic Four of femme fatales—led by long-sober superhotties Lynda "Wonder Woman” Carter and Jamie Lee “Scream Queen” Curtis—wrap TMZ’s Harvey Levin in head-to-camel toe polyester, further constrain him with the magic lasso of truth, then shove him into the unflattering sunlight while paparazzi snap away and bloggers reload their snark arsenals. Marvel as Carrie Fisher applies a cinnamon bun coif to Scott Baio’s already-swollen noggin while delivering a barrage of sardonic AA one-liners to an ultra serious Dr. Drew—choking both in laughter with the Jabba-strangling chains of her self-effacing, ego-humbling superhumor. Finally, cheer “It’s a Sunshine Day!” as recovering drug addict turned reality superstar Maureen McCormick breaks into song and dance a la The Brady Variety Hour. This time, doing “The Hustle” is personal as Mo trades heroin for heroine while bumping and grinding to humiliating exhaustion a bunch of celebreality execs who say “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” one time too many.

Adamant Eve. As the one Brady kid to avoid the forbidden fruit of reality TV (and other Brady Bunch reunions, for that matter), Eve “Jan” Plumb finally fights back during her star-making ‘70s show’s 40th anniversary this year. Now a painter, the Brady often accused of sticking out like a sore Plumb turns reality on its head with a series of bestselling oil paintings depicting Adrienne Curry and the celebrity cast of Gone Country in sadomasochistic poses. In the series opener, Eve refuses to answer Brady questions at an art showing and then bitchslaps prodding guest star Florence Henderson.

Celebramé. A slew of Seventies and Eighties celebs take up macramé in this reality competition pitting retro stars against habitual reality hangers-on such as Brooke Hogan and Johnny Fairplay. Fair play, my ass. Squeal in delight as Erin “Joanie” Moran and Tom “Luke Duke” Wopat use their newfound crafting skills and hidden MacGyver addiction to transform a series of decorative macramé owls into a knotted, bead-laden booby trap that sweeps the season 2 Rock of Love winner off her taloned feet for good.

Crack of Dawn. Tony Orlando uses one of his “back-up” singers to keester drugs into VH1 offices during filming of I Love the ‘70s Part IV. Chaos ensues during an impromptu performance of “Knock Three Times” when the bad half of Dawn lights up during the line “twice on the pipes…” Amidst the melee, Orlando ties a yellow ribbon laced with contraband on the VH1 programming VP’s lapel, then, in unison with Dawn, cries fowl.

Children of the Corny Hired Help. In this Eighties explosion of forgotten former chlld actors, the once-wisecracking co-stars of sassy-house servant-centered-sitcoms Mr. Belvedere and Gimme a Break! join Who’s the Boss imp Danny Pintauro in employing cooking utensils and cleaning agents to pick off every Internet blogger who’s ever asked “Where are they now?” In their own live-streaming Internet series launched in this VH1 pilot, each goes Tonya Harding on tap dancing guest star Tony Danza, whacking his aged kneecaps with lead-encrusted spatulas and Swiffers, then threatening to do the same to snarky e-fans just dying to tell the online world “how un-do-able those washed-up freaks are.”

Megan Joy gives Simon Cowell the bird ... now somebody needs to give that girl a sitcom!

"Caw! Caw!"

Bird girl Megan Joy Corkery sadly rocked her last robin tonight on American Idol -- but not before she imitated some kind of winged predator sweeping in for the kill.

Simon didn't get it, but that's almost a compliment. Corkery was just too quirky for the room ... but with her beauty, talent and penchant for pterodactylism, she is no doubt headed for bigger and better things.

Somebody get this girl a sitcom! Hey, it worked for Priscilla "flamingo gams" Barnes ... let's give that zexy, zany Megan Joy something to crow about/

"Good Dick": Jason Ritter's new indie film ... co-starring and written, directed and co-produced by Marianna Palka

As many of John Ritter's fans can attest, the versatile actor shocked audiences and critics alike with his sensitive, nuanced performance in the 1996 indie feature Sling Blade. His delicately layered portrayal of a gay shopkeeper drew long-overdue praise in film industry and media circles, which too often had overlooked his artistic talents thanks to his broadly comic role--and identity--as Three's Company's Jack Tripper. His Sling Blade character of Vaughan Cunningham was custom-written for John by his good friend and Hearts Afire co-star Billy Bob Thornton, who masterfully pulled off the daunting feat of writing, directing and starring in this beautiful, Oscar-winning film.

Last year, John's oldest son, actor Jason Ritter, got to show his dramatic range in his own critically-acclaimed indie film, Good Dick, co-starring and written, directed and co-produced by Jason's longtime girlfriend, actress Marianna Palka. This remarkable feature--an unconventional love story about a recluse (Palka) facing her biggest fears when courted by a smitten video clerk (Ritter)--screened last fall at select theaters and film festivals (including Sundance). It's now available on DVD and also screens this week at the Sonoma International Film Festival, held April 1-5 in Sonoma, California (www.sonomafilmfest.org).

John left a great legacy as an actor and a person. He could not be prouder of his children, and Marianna has long been considered part of the Ritter family. He would undoubtedly be thrilled with this film and its story.

For more information, including trailers, photos and other media, check out the film's official web site at www.gooddickthefilm.com.